Birthday Blues

When a person says “I don’t like to celebrate my birthday”, usually the assumption is that the respective person is lying because why wouldn’t someone want to celebrate their birthday, correct? However, there are people who actually mean it and do not feel like being overly joyous on their special day. Doesn’t mean they are particularly sad or something devastating happened to them. It could just be a matter of personal preference and it’s okay.
Today’s my birthday and I am one of those who are not comfortable during their birthday. I remember of the times when I used to have over the top excitement but between then and now, something changed. Let’s see the reasons I came up with for this behavior:

  • Flashback to my birthday memoirs:

As a kid, I had big hopes for my birthday but perhaps because I think I haven’t had a good birthday, I tend to dislike it so much now. If I had to pick one incident that stemmed this thought in my mind, it would be my 11th or 12th birthday where I tried to throw a party at a private club and shockingly except the odd one or two, nobody came. Some of my family jokingly made fun to cheer me up. Others tried to console me. Trust me, it only made it worse.
The other incident would be my 16th Birthday whereby my parents threw me a party but none of my friends were invited. I always felt like nobody cared. (Remember, this was how I felt as a child. I am very happy with my family and friends now). Fast forward to my late teen years, I would be waiting by the phone at 12:00 AM to get birthday wishes but an hour to two later: NOTHING. With every new year the desire for getting a birthday party lessened. It was the social insecurity in me that made me feel like I was always unnoticed. Also, I wasn’t a teenager anymore to get hyped about 22nd August.
BTW, I am not saying I haven’t had good birthdays. I have but it’s just hard to explain how I feel about my birthday

  • High Expectations

The expectations whereby you’re supposed to have a good day is a little too much to handle. I don’t even know what can happen to me that day and I personally, wouldn’t want anything making me sad on my birthday. But the pressure to look extra happy and do something special like throwing a party is terrifying. I wouldn’t even know what to do or who to invite. The over-thinker in me doesn’t accept the birthday deal. Like, what if I just want to have a good day by doing nothing at all? Is it weird?

  • All the attention bothers me

I have already mentioned in the previous blogs about my awkwardness and I’ll say it again. I am way too socially awkward to be okay with all the attention everyone gives one on their birthday. August rolls and I try to hide under the blankets. I don’t know how to answer to people when they wish me Happy Birthday. I wouldn’t know how to stand still in front of 20 people trying to be happy for me.
I am a person who goes to an event, takes the seat at the very last and enjoys watching people (UNTIL I AM ASKED TO DANCE BECAUSE I LOVE DANCING). The only time I am not awkward is when I am dancing. But that’t not the point. The fact that everyone is going to be looking at me with hopeful eyes and trying to hug me to make me happy, is overwhelming. This year, I don’t even have my birthday on any social media platform because honestly, I can’t be on the phone replying to everyone all day. Especially, when you know most of these people don’t even talk to you anymore. For the fact, I appreciate all those who don’t need social media to remember my birthday. You know who you are and I love you all

  • I hate surprises

I love giving surprises or making the most of what people would like to do for their birthday. But when the cards are rolled and it’s my turn to receive a surprise, kid you not, the thought itself is petrifying. I am not the kind of person who can fake a laugh if there is something happening in front of me that I dislike. It shows on my face. If I don’t like someone or something, you’ll be able to tell. It’s mostly the surprise of getting something I don’t like or would’ve never done myself that scares me which is why I legit hate presents as well. If you don’t know me well, just ask me what I would like to do and you’ll notice it’s much easier to make my day.

  • Hurting other people gets embarrassing

In addition to not liking the surprises, hurting people who planned a surprise for me, gets me very emotional. I really appreciate all the relationships I have and all the effort that people put into making me happy. I hate being the reason for anyone’s disappointment or hurt which is why I don’t want to be the one to ruin it for everyone who plans something for me and can see it on my face that how much I disliked it. I love everyone but I am not much for the Poker Face.

  • It’s never about you

Birthdays are a constant reminder that people are supposed to love you and know what makes you happy. But somehow people make it about themselves and do what they would’ve done or wanted for their respective days. Even though it is very heart warming but It’s my birthday and we should’ve been doing something that I like. I don’t mind you calling me to ask If I want to go hiking+dinner or even just go by the lake shore to have a good conversation.

That’s me in a nutshell. I like to keep my birthday Low-Key while I am still learning to accept all the love and respect. I am scared that If I get too happy about the people who are doing so much for me today might not be there next year. The biggest reason for me being this way is perhaps that I tend to prevent others from making me see that I can be celebrated too. Maybe, there will be a day where I’ll want all the surprises and extra happiness but for now I’d rather get together with a few and go for a movie or a walk where I can joke around and try to have a good time without making a big deal out of the day. I am very grateful to be alive and even more blessed to have all the friends and family I have. All I am saying is it’s a little too much attention for someone who doesn’t like it and struggles with it!

Fun Fact : Last year for my Birthday I got my first tattoo and took my first hike to Dundas Peak in Hamilton, Ontario. Currently, planning to revisit the Peak

You may also like...